Well, here I am blogging after close to a month of silence. Life’s been full of ups and downs (both in the natural and spiritual sense) for me lately. With my sophomore year at IHOPU coming to a close, I found myself busied with the rigors of finishing all my assignments and studying for finals while trying to figure out what the Lord wants me to do over summer break. I felt the weakness of my humanity every moment of every day, and I was beginning to shut down. I may have seemed fine on the outside, but after weeks of asking to feel His presence and to hear His voice and getting nothing in response, I was a little upset at the Lord and it effected my emotions quite a bit. There was a deep pain in my heart as the longing to experience Him remained unfulfilled. Still, I kept pressing on because (1) I’m a super determined person and (2) the testimony of the faithfulness of the Lord in my life gave me hope to believe that He would once again break in as long as I stayed the course.
Sure enough, He did! It came in the form of random prayers and words of encouragement from friends, messages/teachings that spoke straight to my heart, 2-hour long phone calls with my mom (I ranted, she listened, God spoke through her – doesn’t get better than that, folks), and other things. The past week or two I have literally felt like a new person. The pain and guilt of barrenness and the lies of the enemy quickly faded away as my ears were opened to hear the voice of the Lord, and I began to feel His presence once again.
Now the pain of longing is a little different. It’s a longing for more, a desperation, a hunger for deep satisfaction. The only way I can think to explain it is what happens when you haven’t eaten anything all day. By the end of the day your hunger pains have slightly subsided, but then as soon as you have a bite of food, the hunger is “re-awakened” and you just want to binge! It’s like I became somewhat used to the lack of “food” I was getting (in terms of feeling/hearing the Lord), so even though I was still hungry, I was able to just ignore it for the most part. However, now that I’ve tasted of His presence once again, the hunger in my heart has grown like a monster inside of me! I feel like the Lord divinely set me up so that now that summer break is here, I am fired up to go hard after Him. I’m so grateful for the next couple months that lie ahead for me where I can just be with Him, giving extended hours to worshiping, praying, and studying the Word.
I’m hungrier now than I’ve ever been before – so hungry it hurts! But there’s joy found in this pain. The joy of fellowship with the Living God, the joy of communion with the jealous Bridegroom, the joy of intimacy with the One I love. He’s satisfied me just enough to make me crave more, and it hurts so good!
I’ll close with a snippet of something I wrote in my journal yesterday:
“I just want more! You satisfy me, yet I am never fully satisfied. You cause my heart to long, and I must have more of You!”