Ok, here we go. As the title of this blog post implies, this is part two of the “deeper look” post from yesterday. I’m just on a blogging roll right now! And you, my faithful followers, are the ones who have inspired me!
In this post, I will give some more details concerning point number two of my original post, “Winds of Change” (which you can find it here if you haven’t read it yet).
As I briefly explained in the aforementioned post, two of my four roommates have moved out of the house I live in as they are moving into different seasons in their ministries. One is definitely coming back but went home to Canada to visit her family for the summer. The fourth went home to Hong Kong for the summer and is hoping and praying for a financial breakthrough so that she can return to Kansas City and continue on in her third year at IHOPU (pray for her, people!!!).
Being alone revealed some things to me about my heart and the healing that I apparently haven’t fully received yet! As introverted as I tend to be, I realized that I just need people. I need people to talk to and hang out with. Now this is something that I know quite well, but it seems as if every time I’m put in a situation where I’m not surrounded by people, I become very sheepish in pursuing them to hang out.
Turns out that I have a lot of insecurities when it comes to friendship. I’m gonna be super vulnerable with y’all and just share some of this insecurity with y’all. :)
I have this fear when it comes to friendship. I’m honestly still trying to figure out where it comes from, but all I know is that it’s real. I am afraid that people don’t like me. The enemy uses little circumstances to convince me that my friends don’t really like me. He tries to make me believe that they don’t really enjoy hanging out with me, and that’s why they hang out with other people and don’t always include me. This then makes me wonder if they even think of me as their friend. So, I’m stuck in this battle in my heart and mind. I feel lonely, so I want to connect with some friends and hang out. Then when I go to contact them, the enemy whispers into my mind… “They don’t want to hang out with you. Why would they want to? They don’t really enjoy hanging out with you, they just have in the past because you’ve happened to be there. Why do you think they’ve hung out with ‘so-and-so’ but not you? You may think they’re your friends, but do they even consider you to be their friend? If they really considered you a friend, wouldn’t they have invited you to hang out with them a while ago?”
Something inside of me then clings to these lies, and no matter how much I try to break free, I just can’t. Not on my own, at least. This is where a very special friend comes in – my mom. She’s always there for me and listens to me verbally process all of my inner turmoil. Then she offers me amazing, Godly wisdom and advice, prays for me, and keeps me accountable to actually pressing through the pain and lies by the grace of God in order to find freedom.
So where does that leave me now, you ask? Well, thanks to my mom’s hardcore accountability, I’ve pursued hanging out with a few friends recently. And guess what… they said yes! I’ve once again gained confidence in myself and in my friendships. I’m still fighting off the lies of the enemy on a daily basis, but as I submit to the Lord and lean into Him, He gives me strength to stand up and declare truth to combat the lies.
I’ll end with a snippet from my earlier blog post that inspired this one:
It still amazes me how the Lord uses stupid little circumstances (like living alone for a few weeks) to expose heart issues that need to be tended to. But He’s so faithful to lead us through the process of healing and restoration. :)
*Part three is on the way. Pease be patient with me, my beautiful blog followers!*