There are times when my heart is discouraged, and it affects the way that I interact with God. Sometimes when I am talking to Him or worshipping I feel weak (especially emotionally and spiritually) and I feel like I don’t have anything to give or that the little I do have isn’t good enough.
One time last year I was on stage singing during a prayer meeting in the house of prayer. I was battling these feelings of weakness and not being good enough. I tried to muster up something that looked presentable to give to Him. I began to strive to please Him because I was scared that He would be disappointed in me. It was in this moment that His still, small voice thundered within me, and I began to write down what He said…
It’s not complicated – it’s so simple. I just wanna be with you. Even if you don’t know what to say. I just want to see your face. I just want to see your face and hear your voice. Come as you are. It’s not that complicated. Stop striving – stop trying. Just come be with Me. You’re not supposed to have anything – without Me you have nothing. Don’t wait until you feel like you have something to give. Don’t wait till you feel clean and presentable. Don’t fall back in shame. Just come to me. I don’t want anything but you. I just want your weak love. I wanna be near you.
I began to find freedom in my heart as He spoke. I realized that I was so scared of not being good enough for Him that I was trying to hide and avoid Him. I was frustrated with and ashamed of myself and was projecting those feelings on Him. Thankfully in His tender, merciful love, He spoke truth over me to dismantle those lies I was believing. He reminded me that apart from Him I have nothing (John 15:5). If I separated myself from Him, I’d never be able to pull it together and have something to give – I can’t do it in my own strength! I need Him! He reminded me that in my time of need, I can boldly approach Him, and He will lavish His grace and mercy upon me.
When I realize that I can stop striving and just be, everything changes. It’s no longer about me and what I can do for Him, but it becomes about Him and what He can (and will) do for me. It’s only because of Him that I’m alive and it’s only because He gives me strength and grace that I can keep loving Him and giving Him my all – no matter how weak and small it may seem.
As He began to remind me of these truths, He looked at me with ferocious, jealous love in His eyes and He said, “I didn’t adopt you into My family for you to be distant – just come to Me.” When He said this, I broke and all the walls I had built in my heart to hide myself from Him came crashing to the ground. I remembered that He chose to adopt me in my state of brokenness, weakness, wretchedness, and sinfulness. He knew who I was and what He was getting in to. And He still made me a part of His family. He gave me food, He gave me rest, He gave me love – He made me His own. Not because of what I had to give to Him, but because of what He wanted to give to me.
When I am weak and feel like I have nothing to give, that’s when I run to Him instead of from Him. That’s when I invite Him to speak to me, to touch my heart and give me strength. As I allow Him to see me in my mess and actually reach out and touch me in the midst of it, my heart is transformed and set free. It’s not always easy to let Him in, but I will only find freedom when I run into His open arms instead of from them. He still loves me. He still wants me. And He is jealous for my freedom and my love. He’ll do the work as I simply say, “Yes.”